Community > Skillful Disagreement

Skillful Disagreement

We want Evolving Ground to be a place you can explore Vajrayana honestly.

For that, we’d like everyone here to trust they can disagree, and/or agree, vehemently. Honest, vibrant exploration isn’t possible without that foundation of trust.

Skillful disagreement takes practice, like all communication. Here are some ways to practice:

Notice and clarify

When you notice a disagreement, also notice where you can agree. At what point do your perspectives diverge? Sometimes disagreements are substantial and involve quite different worldviews, knowledge, and understanding. Sometimes a small disagreement hides shared perspectives. Finding and distinguishing agreements is useful ground for exploring disagreement. Ask questions to clarify.

Explore differences

Perspectives are formed by experiences and past life circumstances. Knowing what life experience formed someone’s opinion will add to your understanding of where they are coming from and why they hold the views they do. Ask questions to empathize.

Attitude

Read charitably. It takes time and practice to communicate well, particularly in writing. Be kind. Remember that everyone takes time to learn this skill. Communication is complicated and involves getting both tone and complex ideas across. Cultivate patience. Don’t punish someone when they miss the mark. Ask questions to lower defenses.

Assume that you can speak, write, and act kindly whatever your feelings are. It doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about the topic—however important it is to you, you have the capacity to communicate and act with kindness. If this mode is unavailable to you, and you want to be mean and hurt the other person, then it’s better to appreciate and leave. “Thanks for taking the time to chat with me, I’m sorry, I have to go now!” Squashing someone’s confidence will not increase your understanding.

Understand your motivation

From Tantric view, the only motivation is a desire for enjoyable, useful engagement. However, we don’t always experience life this way. Sometimes motivations may come from fear, unknowing, or a desire to impress. We may not know what our motives are or they may be ambiguous but the impact of our motivations in disagreement matters to the resolution that may occur.

Explore honestly with yourself why are you communicating? To explore ideas and learn together? To experience authentic connection? To offer or receive support? Or… To make a point? To seem smart? To ‘win’ or to be right? To receive validation? Ask, why do I want to speak and communicate with this person? Do they seem to have view, knowledge and experience that I can learn from? Do I have some experience or knowledge to share that could be helpful? The conversation will bear fruit in alignment with the motives at play.

Pay attention to your tone, not others’

Take the time to imagine how the other person is likely to experience you. The way you interact with them may have the opposite effect of what you hope. What do you most want others to feel and experience from interacting with you? You can choose that in each interaction.

Remember that you are engaging here because you want to and others are giving you their time to read and listen. You are not obliged to communicate nor they to listen. So speak in a manner that makes them to want to engage and hear what you have to say. The desire to engage can’t be taken for granted and like anything, needs continually tending.

If somebody in the tone of their post seems scornful, contentious, superior, arrogant, or obnoxious, practice looking through your perception of their tone for the content and substance of their understanding. Respond to that. Show how to question without being defensive.

Remember: they can only push your button if there is a button to push.

Understand first

Seek to understand the other person’s point. Ask questions to clarify. Check your understanding with them. Be confident in what you know and ask questions about what you don’t understand.

Paraphrasing can help resolve differences in complex conversations, especially when the conversation is emotionally charged. Practice paraphrasing the logical or emotional component of a different perspective to the satisfaction of the other person. Many misunderstandings can be cleared in this way.

Help others to understand by giving reasons for your view. Rather than simply stating a position, give your communication nuance by adding more description about how you came to your understanding. Notice and clarify any prior assumptions you are making.

When to let go

Sometimes disagreements start going round in circles.

The signs are:

1. Making the same point repeatedly

2. Frustration

3. Feeling like you’re being talked past, or that someone else just isn’t getting the point that you’re making

4. Analysis paralysis: analyzing can go on forever without leading to greater understanding

5. The conversation is no longer interesting and enjoyable for you

In online forums it’s always ok to leave a conversation or to take time out from it. You are not obliged to continue a discussion. Leaving appreciatively will keep the door open for future contact.

Thanks to Daniel Schmachtenberger for some of these insights, taken from his blog post, referenced below.